file I really can't handle the tantrums anymore -HELP

10 years 3 months ago #220975 by abigail0309
Do they only sell this in Centurion? I am based in Alberton, south of Johannesburg and would really love to try this.

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10 years 3 months ago #220974 by abigail0309
Babyshoes, at least I'm not the only one in this situation - Good luck to you as well. Thank you flowergirl and Nicolette for your suggestions. I also try and prevent a tantrum as it's easier to deal with than the actual tantrum and also tried the bribery. Sometimes when she starts off I do ignore her, which frustrates her even more and she cries and will follow me where ever I go. Then I will kneel down to her level and speak calmly to her - at times she gets this understanding look and her face and I tell her not to cry about everything and she nods her head. I give her a hug and all is fine - for a little while. But I agree that consistency is the key here. I need to be more strict, she needs to understand that no is no and by crying she will not get her way. It's easier said than done but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I don't believe in hitting a child so I'm going to try my best with the communication thing. Flowergirl I also try and please her by trying to give her what I think she's asking for but she refuses everything I try and give her and then eventually takes the very first thing I offered her - after alot of screaming and shouting :S But I'm going to try your method and give her two chances and if she does not accept what Im doing, then she can cry all she wants. I will be there for her as soon as she decides to calm down and talk calmly to her.

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10 years 3 months ago #220973 by Claire A
I have to smile at your pain ladies, cos it is PERFECTLY NORMAL behaviour. With both my boys I went thru a stage when I actually dreaded picking them up from school cos I knew that the SECOND we got into the car all hell would break loose.

There a few things to remember here :

1. They are realising that they have a will of their own and no longer attached to mom - seperation anxiety really comes into play around this age, as does power.

2. Their frustration levels are high cos they know what they want, cannot communicate their needs effectively

3. They have been on perfect behaviour all day, so now that they are in a "safe place" with a "safe person" and can let go of everything they have been holding in for the day - if your child is "angel away and devil at home" you are actually doing something right

4. They are tired, hungry, want mom / dad's attention and the adults are busy rushing around preparing dinner, tidying up, running baths and not paying enough attention to them

5. When they are tired they don't actually know what they want - I cannot say the number of times I have had something actually thrown at me cos I give them what they asked for, but by the time it is ready they have changed their minds. make sure they get a decent night's sleep

There are also a number of ways of dealing with it, if the grumpiness starts in the car already, have a snack on hand while you are traveling, if they like music, make sure their favorite CD is playing and EVERYONE sings along, when the boys are fighting in the back I distract them by getting them to count lamp posts / look for red cars, point out the mountain, police car, garbage trucks whatever you can see - does not always work, but most days it does

When you are home, one of the parents should try to play with the child and distract before it becomes an issue - child is also getting positive attention then.

Once it becomes a full blown tantrum, then you just have to ride the storm.

With Brandon, my eldest "holding time" worked - when you reach the point of no return, you hold the child tight and speak softly reassuring him / her that it is okay to vent, but a safe place is needed and mommy / daddy's arms are safe. Brandon kicked the living s&*t outta me the first few times, I got hit, bitten, bruised, but after a few days he started calming down much quicker

Liam on the other hand is much more stubborn and I had to take a harder line with him - as soon as the point of no return was reached, I planted my feet firmly on the ground, crossed my arms and stared at something on the wall and calmly said, "I will only look at you when you have stopped shouting" It sent him wild, I was also bitten, smacked, kicked, bruised etc But for him eye contact was very important, so once again after a few days he calmed down much quicker - now I only need to cross my arms and he will tell me "I am calm mama, please look at me"

Kiddy Calm most def DOES work, as it helped Liam sleep thru, which was also an issue with him - he woke so often at night he started the day off grumpy. in fact it worked so well, I now also sell it. I swear by the product and not just for children.

But on the good side - it does pass, as soon as Brandon turned 3 he was an angel again, Liam at almost 4 still has his bad days, but I usually say something like "oh I see that boy who makes mommy sad is taking over again, where is my Liam who is so nice" and that gets him smiling (most times)

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10 years 3 months ago #220972 by Nicolette
Hi ladies.
I am by no means an expert, and my methods may be frowned upon by others, but I believe in distraction, and a bit of bribery because for me, it's easier to AVOID a tantrum than to deal with it. Should a tantum start happening, I believe that a child loves to "perform" but "performing" is only fun when you have an audience. So I will just "walk away" from the tantrum and say something quite casually like "I know you're upset, but I can't understand you when you perform like this. Mommy is right here waiting for you to calm down. I will then turn my back and carry on with something else closeby as though nothing is happening. This works for MY daughter - I think she feels silly to "perform" if nobody is paying attention or even watching. I won't isolate her because I think it is important for a child to know that you love them even if they're throwing a tantrum - but I might quickly pop into the next room to fetch something and then come back, to really drive home that I'm not interested in the tantrum.
As I said - this work for me and my daughter. Good luck to the two of you.

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10 years 3 months ago #220971 by flowergirl
My daughter is only 19 months, so not sure how long this is going to work for. But this is what works for me:

I was also having a tough time with her about 2 months back and I was doing exactly what you are doing now. The louder she screamt, the harder I tried to please her and figure out what she wanted and the harder I tried, the worse the tantrum became - VICIOUS CYCLE!!!

So now, I simply have zero tolerance for tantrums. If she asks for something that she can have, I give it to her, if she refuses that and asks for something else instead, I give the something else. But that's the only chance she gets, if she then decides that she actually wants something else all together, I walk away and she gets nothing. She has a tantrum and I ignore her for a few minutes carrying on with whatever it is I was doing in the first place. Eventually, I will go over to her and pick her up - if she wants to be picked up. If not, I leave her there to carry on with her tantrum. If she is in a particularly foul mood and we have more than 2 tantrums in half an hour, I tell her very calmly that if she continues crying, she will have to cry in her room and if she is still crying 2 minutes later, I put her on her bed and leave the room. She has now seemed to realise that tantrums gets her nowhere and I must say that we are seeing less and less tantrums. And she has learnt to rather try and explain to me what she wants instead of screaming like a crazed person - happier evenings for everyone now.

Good luck with whatever approach you decide to use. But I have learnt that trying to "please" them during tantrums just teaches them that they need to have a tantrum to get what they want.

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10 years 3 months ago #220964 by Aunty Carrie
Hi Ladies,

I have attached an article by the creator of Kiddy-Calm about tantrums.
Hope it helps.

These salts also make the bubbles and the bath water colours slightly, so children actually want to bath!

If you need anymore info on the salts give me a shout.

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10 years 3 months ago #220962 by Babyshoes
Hey abigail0309 - I feel your pain.. Trust me I do.

I have a son who is 22 months old and goes to creche half day and is also very well behaved at creche and does not throw tantrums there.

My mom picks him up at midday takes him home, he plays, has a nap and is generally okey tantrum wise most of the time when I am not around.

But lo and behold when I get home from work he starts with the tantrums. He has a habit of pointing at things or opening the fridge – I will give him everything he points at or wants – but it does not seem to be good enough and if I don’t give him what he wants he throws himself on the floor and lets rip… Some days his tantrums have me in tears and in a mood of note.

My mom keeps telling me that he is the way he is because I was very agro and like a fire cracker when I was pregnant (I was very moody in my 1st trimester). And that just works me up even more!!!

His tantrums can get really bad somedays and I too am at my wits ends with it.

I try VERY hard to understand him and try VERY hard to communicate with him and I know he is proberly just as frustrated as I am but some days enough is enough.

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