file Divorce - To Be or Not to be

5 years 11 months ago #248543 by 1sttimemom
I'm currently going through a very bad patch in my marriage, that I'm contemplating divorce. DH and I have seen a marriage counsellor and despite that, nothing has changed. This is my first marriage but his second, so a lot makes me wonder if history is not repeating itself.

I love my LO to bits and will do anything to provide her with a secure home/family, even if it means staying in this marriage for her sake. I know that this is not the optimal solution but I don't want to disrupt her life. I'm also nervous about being a single mom, as this is unchartered territory to me. I am a successful career woman, who's also financially independent, so I'm able to provide for my LO's financial needs. My LO and are aren't in any physical danger, as DH isn't abusive, but the tension in our home does tend to heighten at times. I'm aware that kids are perceptive and pick up on such situations.

I would like to hear from single moms who have been through such a situation, or is going through one currently as this is my biggest dilemma at the moment. How do you get to the point of deciding to leave without feeling guilty and like a traitor, so to stay and pretend you're happy?

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5 years 11 months ago #248565 by gloeiwurmpie
Hi 1sttimemom:

I am sorry to hear about the relationship difficulties.

I can only share my experience and wouldn't think that your situation is necesarily the same. My husband and I have been seeing 3 different therapists (on and off) for the past 2 years for marriage counseling. The therapy has been grueling and draining and extremely difficult at times. We also ditched one therapist who didn't help much but only made things worse! We basically focused on Imago therapy, a very well known international marriage course.
Our Imago therapist said that she (and Imago) believes that most marriages will benefit from the imago approach, except situations where one or both people have been diagnosed with a severe psychological untreatable disorder. She also commented that in most cases divorce is not an answer to your problems. The stress that comes from managing kids and stress of being a single parent and future new marriages of divorced partners is a whole new set of problems that could possible be equal to the stress in the current marriage. The second reason that why Imago believes that divorce should be avoided is because if you don't understand what caused your marriage to get to the current state the chances are extremely high that you will be going through the same set of problems with a new partner. This is because most marriage conflicts are caused by childhood wounds and if one does not heal these wounds the same story will play out again. By that I wouldn't want to propose that divorce is not better in certain marriages but I would want to think that it should be the last resort after serious long term effort to restore the relationship and serious delving of what caused the problems.

Here is the book about imago therapy - although I would recommend you get to a qualified imago therapist to guide you through the process.

www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001

If you have a medical aid your visits will be paid (depending on your plan type).

Hoping that you may find your right answer. xx

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5 years 11 months ago #248570 by 1sttimemom
Thanks for taking the time to reply Gloeiwurmpie! A lot of what you said makes perfect sense. I will definitely try Imago :)

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5 years 10 months ago #248652 by julz
Replied by julz on topic Divorce - To Be or Not to be
Hi there

My relationship of 12 years ended in February last year. It was a very sad time for me. My partner felt that we didn't have a future together, but did offer me the option of staying in the same home for the sake of our son. I knew right away that that wasn't an option.

I have had so many friends this past year find themselves single again after many years. It is never easy. One thing I know is that what your child needs most in life is a happy mom and a happy dad. Even if they live apart.

My parents divorced and I know it was the best thing for all of us at the time. My son who was 4 at the time, handled the situation really well. I moved out. I was not financially secure enough to pay my own way despite earning a very decent salary. My ex pays for our son.

I can say that it wasn't easy, but despite the small issues, I have managed to get through emotionally and financially.

I must add that I have been in therapy for 5 years which really helped me sort myself out so I was quite strong when my ex sat me down for the talk. He didn't want to go to therapy which was hard. I didn't want therapy to sort our relationship out, but just to end it off well.

My friends who have sought mediation rather than a lawyer have done really well through the divorce process. It seems to be a far kinder and more level headed process rather than just making lawyers wealthy.

I met a new man early this year. He is lovely. My son adores him and he my son.

My therapist once told me that we choose to live by two basic emotions namely love and fear.

When I chose to move out I know I chose love. Not that I had love at the time, but because I knew that I wanted to be loved and the only way I would be one day was to leave an unloving relationship. Had I chosen fear, I would still be with my ex and deeply sad.

So as I stand now, I am fine and in love. My son is doing well. My ex and I are very good friends. He has a new lady in his life. My son thinks he has hit the jackpot with two more people in his life that love him.

Be true to yourself and all others in your life will be fine. x

Mom of Dylan and Partner to Joerg. We live in the Beautiful Pringle Bay which is along the Whale coast, Cape.


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