Hi, My step daughter is 16, she dsnt live with us. She's at boarding school & on weekends MIL looks after her
She was raised by MIL, this is how its always been. MIL also has a 17yr old boy (my BIL), so she raised the 2 together.
I dnt know y her mom is not in the picture, whenever I ask DH or MIL, I dnt seem to get a direct response. Dnt want to push the issue too much as I can see they not comfy talking about it, esp MIL. DH says the mom dsnt want her but I dnt know y Im not satisfied with that answer.
We see her school holidays & we get along just fine. I call her regularly & we also chat on FB a lot. She likes me, I love her!!!
She did express a desire to live with us, not to her dad but to me but circumstances didnt allow that.
She normally tells me whatever emotional stuff she's going thru but I know she dsnt tell me everything, what teenager would?? Right?
The problem we're having with her is she lies, a lot!!!
DH gives MIL money for whatever she may need & if she wants certain things like clothes, makeup, hair stuff, I normally buy for her.
She gets pocket money but she constantly wants more, claiming that MIL dsnt give her any money & only gives it to her son (the 17yr old) The other small lies didnt worry us too much coz u can see she's lying but to lie bout MIL really concerns me....
MIL is a sweet woman who considers my daughter as her won, she wld never deprive her of anything,
DH, MIL & I had already agreed that I shldnt parent her too much as she was 14 when we got married & she was not completely secure bout my addition to her life.
Just the lying is becoming too much & even though I cant parent directly, I dnt know how to talk to her or how to get her to open up bout y she feels th need to lie?
Cld sh b wanting more attention mayb?
DH & MIL have lost trust in her & I explained y they have to her as she dsnt really communicate with her dad. Nothing has changed though.
Well, I used to do a whole lot of lying when I was a teenager, small lies, big lies all but the same I guess...
Maybe ask your mil to have a chat with her, if not, maybe dh should do it, if not, maybe you should have a chat with her about it. I do get that there's only so far that you can go with this, but somebody needs to sit her down and talk to her about it because the lies could end up causing serious problems for you guys. if she wants more money, she must just say, and if you guys feel it's justified, give more money if not, tell her, she should just know that you guys are onto her and she should learn to be honest with her needs.
Yes, all teens lie - it's a way of pushing boundaries, essential for their flight into life. Maybe you can try to find out why she feels she is lying. Be careful, though, communicating with teens can be a minefield. Be sure not to sound like you are accusing her, but rather sound geniunely curious. Tell her that all of us twist the truth sometimes, for various reasons, and give a few personal examples (make them proper examples, not only about little white lies). Tell her why you did it at the time and whether you would do it again. Then ask her what would motivate her to twist the truth. If she seems unwilling to go into this discussion, just leave it there. The fact that you have shared a part of your truth would make her think about it and she would also likely respect you more.